Restaurant critics will eat just about anything. You pretty much have to. That’s the job. Sure, there are some dishes the Good Food Guide review team enjoys more than others – an average roast duck is still better than cashew-cheese pizza at the top of its game – but for the most part, everything has its merits, and we want to try it all.
But for budget reasons – both financial and kilojoule – or because there are more interesting dishes that show the skill and creativity of the kitchen, several items will rarely make it onto a critic’s table as we hit the road for a new edition for the Guide in NSW and Victoria. (If I’m off the clock, then it’s oysters all day.)
A burger
Most restaurant burgers will be delicious. Chefs have been taking the craft seriously ever since Neil Perry put a wagyu burger on the menu at Rockpool Bar & Grill in 2009. They’re regularly drilling down on mince to find the perfect ratio of chuck to rump to brisket, fondling house-made pickles, obsessing over burger sauces, and testing the melt-point of different cheeses. Certainly, some patties are better than others, but it’s tight up there at the top, and if the menu isn’t built around burgers, I’ll spend my kilojoule allowance somewhere else. I may have reached the end of my burger descriptors too – there’s only so much you can do with “juicy” and “nicely charred”.
Panna cotta
When I started writing for the Good Food Guide more than a decade ago, panna cotta was a banned dessert – much how “scrumptious” is a banned word from reviews today. This was coming off the back of the panna cotta fever years, mind, when every second restaurant realised it was heaps easier to set flavoured cream with gelatin, rather than be bothered with, you know, cooking. The panna cotta has been allowed back into the Guide since, but I would still rather order something more exciting, such as a mille-feuille, pavlova or even creme brulee.
Breakfast
Whisper it – breakfast is boring. Now say it again, louder. It feels good, doesn’t it? To speak a truth like that. Cafe owners and muesli makers have spent a lifetime convincing us that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, but it’s always the same old eggs and toast and avocado, and wouldn’t you rather save yourself for lunch or dinner? Meals where you can pick from hundreds of cuisines and infinite dishes?
NB: I’m speaking only of Western breakfasts here. A Japanese breakfast set – with its grilled fish, miso soup, pickled vegetables and rice – is a thing of beauty. And zaatar manoush might be Lebanon’s most delicious gift to the world, especially straight out of the oven with a liberal squeeze of lemon.
Lamb shoulder
If you don’t count Indomie Mi Goreng noodles, or the toasted sandwich in all its forms, lamb shoulder was the first dish I mastered in my first year of university. This is because anyone can slow-cook a decent lamb shoulder provided there’s enough liquid in the pan. Set, forget, remove and serve, most likely with salsa verde. There are better ways to test a chef’s mettle. Plus, when lamb shoulder is bad, it’s very bad indeed – a tangled, chewy mess that no green sauce can save.
Oysters
Nothing against oysters. Love ’em. But they can usually be skipped on a review because there’s not too much a chef can do with an oyster, except whack of bit of mignonette on the side, or granita on top.
There are two exceptions to this rule:
- If it’s a seafood restaurant where oyster service is a big part of the experience – somewhere that offers at least three different bivalve options. I’m looking for staff to be able to provide information on the taste and texture of the Pambula oyster offered, say, compared to the Wapengo-farmed one.
- Oysters Kilpatrick. The combination of oysters, bacon and Worcestershire sauce is one for the ages, and particularly excellent with a lug of rosé champagne on the side (Larmandier-Bernier if it’s going, thanks). The Great Kilpatrick Revival is coming, I can feel it.
Extra fries
A former editor of the Good Food Guide used to say, “one chip is enough”, but I don’t entirely agree. I reckon you need two. Chips are super high in kilojoules, and the job is already rife with salt and fat and carbohydrates. One or two chips should tell you all you need to know about their quality. That being said, chips are highly addictive, even the bad ones, so if they’re on my plate for a steak frites, I’m probably going to finish the whole bloody lot. But ordering fries as a side dish instead of a green salad isn’t happening.
Extra truffles
Truffles cooked into a sauce, or roasted under chicken skin, or infused into eggs, or stirred through macaroni and cheese – I’m here for that kind of action all winter. But paying upwards of $30 for a “truffle supplement” to be shaved over a rib-eye at the table? That’s conspicuous consumption at its most unnecessary. Freshly grated truffles smell incredible when they hit hot food, sure, but the aroma is over too quickly to justify the price. Truffles already incorporated into a dish will be far more rewarding, particularly that macaroni and cheese.
Lobster
Contrary to some beliefs, restaurant critics do not have an expense account to splash around willy-nilly. “Bring me your finest caviar and cote de boeuf! I say, where’s that second bottle of Mouton Rothschild?” Nope. That’s not how it works. We’ll always order enough food as it takes to review the restaurant fairly, but rarely is a whole market-price lobster going to be a part of that process. That’s more than half the budget gone on one dish, and we all know the lobster will most likely be delicious. See also: mud crab.
The cheese course
Would love to, really, but I’m watching my waist. And, like oysters, the more a chef interferes with cheese, the more I become incensed. Just keep the stuff in top condition backstage, slice to order, and let the hard work of the farmer and cheesemaker shine. Oatcakes or crackers are fine, but there’s rarely a need for all the pastes and grapes and clusters of dried fruit, which I suspect end up in the compost once the plate is cleared.
The barrel-aged negroni
Storing Campari, gin and vermouth in a little barrel on the bar isn’t as common as it was five-ish years ago, but I still see the aged negroni around, and I still think it’s a waste of money. Advocates say oak from the barrel gives the cocktail a smooth and slightly smoky profile. Maybe it does, but why is it $6 more than a standard negroni? A negroni which staff will have to take the time to assemble and stir, instead of pouring straight from a tiny tap? Are we paying for the space taken up by the barrel? Someone, please explain. And while we’re at it, why does an iced coffee always cost more than a hot one?
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Callan Boys is editor of SMH Good Food Guide, restaurant critic for Good Weekend and Good Food writer.From our partners
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